ORLY is Back!

Apropos to my last post, a judge in Georgia just struck down my favorite true-life-lolowl Orly Taitz. My definite favorite part, besides the "you're dumber than a middle schooler" burn, was the revelation that Orly Taitz used an AOL poll as evidence. What won't this woman try!? I think I will take her lead and start running my own internet polls before I need to get contracts signed.


Exhibit A - Internet Poll Results

It was conclusively found that 94.5% of the polled public prefers Party A and their counsel Agrado, Esq., as having far superior skills in general likeability, knowledge of the LOLCAT dialect, a high level of competence in Blingee-creation and finding cute animal pictures. Party B is made of fail and no one likes them. This poll result is conclusive evidence of Party A and Agrado's superiority in all things, both unicorn and non-unicorn related.

And then I would attach this picture (courtesy of Julia Segal's funny funny site) as Exhibit B


And then I would win everything forever.

The Not-State-of-the-Union

I have to admit. Political speeches just aren't as funny anymore. No new words, no gross mispronunciations, no vague and unsubstantiated threats from things like human animal hybrids. I still remember a time when one could finish off 4, maybe 5 beers in roughly an hour, just from George Bush saying the word "terrorism." Luckily for the country (and my liver) those days are over. Obama's speech was like his previous, well-prepared speeches. Awesome, thoughtful, and leaves little room for disappointment.

Luckily, we still have the Republican response. That's where Bobby "the excorcist" Jindal comes in! Besides making fun of light rail and bringing up Katrina (seriously, why would a Republican even bring up that colossal Republican failure?), didn't he sound suspiciously (and hilariously) like Kenneth from 30 Rock? Just picture it...

"During Katrina, I visited Sheriff Harry Lee, a Democrat and a good friend of mine. When I walked into his makeshift office I'd never seen him so angry. He was yelling into the phone: 'Well, I'm the Sheriff and if you don't like it you can come and arrest me!' I asked him: 'Sheriff, what's got you so mad?' He told me that he had put out a call for volunteers to come with their boats to rescue people who were trapped on their rooftops by the floodwaters. The boats were all lined up ready to go -- when some bureaucrat showed up and told them they couldn't go out on the water unless they had proof of insurance and registration. I told him, 'Sheriff, that's ridiculous.' And before I knew it, he was yelling into the phone: 'Congressman Jindal is here, and he says you can come and arrest him too!' Harry just told the boaters to ignore the bureaucrats and start rescuing people. "

Can't you just see Kenneth saying that! And the cartoonishness of that story convinced me that the evil bureaucrat looked something like this:

As he let out an evil guffaw before running off mumbling something about a mouse and squirrel.

I twittered the speech with my friend Julia (who, no joke, has Russian parents named Boris and Natasha) and I had a twitter-jinx with my friend Kim about how Bobby sounded just like everyone's favorite NBC page. Then I looked on Wonkette and they liveblogged the phenomena. OS Khang has already done the appropriate photoshopping. Goes to show that all of your original ideas are probably shared by hundreds of people on the Internet.

Ragey and Happy Political Shizz

The first thing I thought of when I saw this picture


was this one



I was in college when that "partial birth abortion" shit was passed and I could never get that fuckin image of Bush and his white dudes so gleefully fucking happy they can control women's bodies out of my head. That picture became a real symbol, at least to me, of the fuckeduppery going on in the White House. Thank you Obama for now letting me replace that awful image with the wonderful one of you signing the Lilly Ledbetter Act. And to give credit where it's due, Jill at Feministe actually put the two together on paper (or um, blog paper?) earlier this week. But really, what a beautiful image of our new president surrounded by a bunch of amazing, strong, and brilliant women (shout out to Congresswoman Eleanor Holmes Norton! You should watch that video, it's so awesomely hilars.)

And speaking of Republicans and their misogynist ways, after getting all pissy about the provision in the economic stimulus bill helping states fund contraception to women through medicaid, it was taken out. None of the douchebags voted for the stimulus bill anyway, but I hear the contraception provision will appear in another bill. Republicans shouldn't get their panties in a wad about birth control when their states have some of the highest rates of non-AIDS STDs. But as my friend mentioned earlier this week, maybe they'll make syphilis a new tax credit!

Anyway, here in Unicorn Rainbow land, we don't end on such dour ragey political notes. So to end this post, I'll leave you with some good sex news from our not so furry friends. Wonkette described it succinctly as "A gruesome, century-old cancer-ridden basilisk in New Zealand somehow impregnated another monster, and 11 baby Cockatrice hatched on Monday. Change is here!" I wouldn't go so far as gruesome or monstrous (they're related to dinosaurs!). It's just loooove. And he had cancer on his junk for like, 80 years.

“I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.”

Had cancer not prematurely taken him in 1994, I am pretty sure Bill Hicks would've imploded from the overwhelming stupid of George W. Bush somewhere around, oh 2002. I still find him hilarious and relevant today, 14 years after he passed on. I guess I just relate to his righteous indignation. And really, some things haven't changed from 1992 to 2008. Oh Bill would've had such a field day with Sarah Palin.



"You believe the world is 12,000 years old?
That's right.
Ok, I got one word to ask you. A one word question. Ready?
Uh-huh.
Dinosaurs."

Whenever I'm feeling down or just generally want a good laugh, Bill never fails me.