The Not-State-of-the-Union

I have to admit. Political speeches just aren't as funny anymore. No new words, no gross mispronunciations, no vague and unsubstantiated threats from things like human animal hybrids. I still remember a time when one could finish off 4, maybe 5 beers in roughly an hour, just from George Bush saying the word "terrorism." Luckily for the country (and my liver) those days are over. Obama's speech was like his previous, well-prepared speeches. Awesome, thoughtful, and leaves little room for disappointment.

Luckily, we still have the Republican response. That's where Bobby "the excorcist" Jindal comes in! Besides making fun of light rail and bringing up Katrina (seriously, why would a Republican even bring up that colossal Republican failure?), didn't he sound suspiciously (and hilariously) like Kenneth from 30 Rock? Just picture it...

"During Katrina, I visited Sheriff Harry Lee, a Democrat and a good friend of mine. When I walked into his makeshift office I'd never seen him so angry. He was yelling into the phone: 'Well, I'm the Sheriff and if you don't like it you can come and arrest me!' I asked him: 'Sheriff, what's got you so mad?' He told me that he had put out a call for volunteers to come with their boats to rescue people who were trapped on their rooftops by the floodwaters. The boats were all lined up ready to go -- when some bureaucrat showed up and told them they couldn't go out on the water unless they had proof of insurance and registration. I told him, 'Sheriff, that's ridiculous.' And before I knew it, he was yelling into the phone: 'Congressman Jindal is here, and he says you can come and arrest him too!' Harry just told the boaters to ignore the bureaucrats and start rescuing people. "

Can't you just see Kenneth saying that! And the cartoonishness of that story convinced me that the evil bureaucrat looked something like this:

As he let out an evil guffaw before running off mumbling something about a mouse and squirrel.

I twittered the speech with my friend Julia (who, no joke, has Russian parents named Boris and Natasha) and I had a twitter-jinx with my friend Kim about how Bobby sounded just like everyone's favorite NBC page. Then I looked on Wonkette and they liveblogged the phenomena. OS Khang has already done the appropriate photoshopping. Goes to show that all of your original ideas are probably shared by hundreds of people on the Internet.

Weeeeeee? In 3 Acts.

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Narwhal Rainbows

A friend of mine had shared pictures of the narwhal before via Google Reader.



I'd think, "hey that's funny, putting a horn on whales! Oh people and their photoshop."

Then one day this same friend shared a video on BBC of the narwhals, with commentary by none other than David Attenborough. Then I went through a paradigm shift (without a clutch) and couldn't believe that there is an animal that strange that I never knew existed. I mean, it's not like a puffin or a duck-billed platypus that looks like they shouldn't exist but do. I've known about those for years. Going to the dentist as a child basically assures that you've come across puffins, platypi, hippos, even mole rats and capybaras. They're in all those cheesy kids magazines. But where were the narwhals? Never once have I come across the unicorn of the sea. I don't know why I'm so bothered by it, but I feel like there may be a whole world of animals I don't know. Next you'll be telling me twonicorns are real (and that they puke rainbows when they burp)!



I'd rename my site Narwhal Rainbows if Unicorn wasn't such a cool word. But I do want to spearhead the NARLY?! movement (narwhals really?!) to bring attention to this much ignored species. If I had a sports team or a club, I would have a narwhal as my mascot. The fightin' narwhals!

How Agrado Spent Her Weekend

That pretty much sums up my weekend. Laying around all day reading is awesome. Friday night I did leave the house and go out for a little while to celebrate my friend's bday. I also made some awesome Vietnamese food on Saturday eve with the bestie, and I did get a new bed for the house I'll be moving into in about 2 weeks. It hasn't all been lazy. But mostly.

A note on my new bed: Macy's is having a big mattress sale, including their show mattresses. I got my new queen mega cheap because it was on the floor. At first I was a little creeped out by the idea of lots of people testing it out. But then I remembered my first bed here was from a used bed place (PJ's Sleep Shop on Hawthorne - good people if you need a bed on the cheap). No one has ever actually slept in my new one. Just random people maybe jumping on it. The neatest part of it is that for the showroom floor, they make beds that are half firm, half plush to save space. I couldn't decide which I liked better, so now I have a queen bed with both! One half is firm, the other is soft and comfy. It's magic.

Finally, not to ignore the fact that today is President's Day (and my office is closed! woot!) plz to enjoy this informative and educational video about Washington. I bet you didn't know he ate opponents' brains and invented cocaine.


He'll save childeren, but not the British children.

On Being Romantical

In an effort to maintain some level of connection with the very little bit of Mandarin I learned in China, I signed up at nciku.com and I like to do a daily (though usually, only a couple times a week) exercise in learning how to write a new character or phrase. Sometimes it's topical, like today I learned that 情人节 (qing ren jie) is Valentine's Day (or Feelings People Day), other times I pick random words, like 斗牛犬(dou niu quan), which is bulldog (or fight cow dog). Throw on the yingguo and you have yourself a British fight cow dog (my favorite!).

Since today is Valentine's day, their Conversation of the Day was a true lesson in being romantic.


Wife: Jīntiān qíngrénjié nǐ zěnme dōu bú sòng wǒ huār a?

今天情人节你怎么都不送我花儿啊？

It's Valentine's Day today. Why don't you give me flowers?


Husband: Nà dōngxi nàme guì, hái méi shénme yòng.

那东西那么贵，还没什么用。

They are so expensive and useless.


Wife: Kě nǐ qùnián jiù sòngwǒ le a.

可你去年就送我了啊。

But you gave me flowers last year.


Husband: Qùnián nǐ hái zhǐshì wǒ nǚpéngyǒu, xiànzài dōu shì wǒ lǎopó le, hái sònghuā tǎonǐ huānxīn a.

去年你还只是我女朋友，现在都是我老婆了，还送花讨你欢心啊！

You were my girlfriend last year. But you are already my wife now. There's no need to give you flowers to please you.



Obviously these hamsters are not yet married. That lady hamster better not get her hopes up.

Happy Valentine's Day Bitches

h/t I *Heart* You. And it's not cause I love you guys. It's cause y'all are a bunch of whores.

Cutest Video Ever

Kingsford Goes to the Beach - Click here for funny video clips

Happy Almost Friday!

Weeeeeee! The Flying Edition. In 3 Acts.

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You Better Work

Last night I decided against going out to a bar and stayed in with my bestie to watch "It's Me or the Dog" and my 2 new favorite reality TV shows (well, just 1 new favorite, the other is just ok). Yea it's totally lame but we're kind of homebodies and I really have to be in the mood to make it out to the Pearl (for the non-Portlanders, it's the snotty yuppie part of town). Don't judge me because I picked TV and my bestie over popped collars and $10 cocktails!

Anyway, so besides a sweet episode of IMotD where a guy breaks down because his 2 pit bulls keep destroying his house but he can't give them up because they'll be put to sleep (they weren't aggressive or anything, they just got bored and ate stuff like his couch and blinds), we saw 2 new VH1 reality wonders, "For the Love of Ray J" and "Drag Race." (For the record, I just searched for a clip of the IMotD ep. and instead found all these sad videos about pit bulls and laws that want to outlaw the breed and then I cried for 10 minutes and now I'm pulling myself back together. For your future reference, don't youtube pit bulls. It'll just make you sad :(

I didn't think Ray J had anything going for him besides that sex tape and being Brandy's bro but supposedly he's also come out with a record or something. The Ray J show is the typical dating show a la I love New York, Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, Real Chance of Love. Not even any real twists. Reality tv looking for 'love' shows have become so ubiquitous and formulaic that every new show is uninspiringly the same. Just get the contestants together, edit the tape to find the characters you know will stay through till the 2nd to last episode (like the one everyone else hates but she's not here to make friends!), and then give the appropriate token of winning each round (insert rose/key/clock necklace/glass of champagne), followed by many episodes of fighting, drinking, jacuzzing, and no substantive conversation.

My favorite part was where Ray J gives each girl a nickname, not because he has to, but because that's how they do it on other shows. Following in the footsteps of Flava Flav, he goes around the table with a free association name game. The girl drinking wine is Chardonnay, the girl who is a cocktail waitress ::drum roll:: Cocktail. The girl with a tiger tattoo on her face is Dangerous. One girl had great skin, which made Ray J think of something soft, which made him think of a scarf, so he named her Cashmere. Yea. It's a good thing none of them were taking a bite of food and got stuck with "Roast Beef" or "Cauliflower" or sitting in front of a plant and got "Ficus." The rest of the show goes along pretty predictably. Some girls think they are classy because they just sit in his lap trying to take off his shirt, while others do the splits and hump the floor. Tomato, tomahtoe.

The real new wonder of reality tv comes from RuPaul.


If ANTM had an IVF baby with Project Runway, it would be Drag Race. Thomas Rogers in Salon recently wrote:

"The Bette Midlers and Whitney Houstons have been replaced by Katy Perry and the Pussycat Dolls. "The sad thing is, the pop stars that were popularly impersonated in my day all had personality," says [drag legend] Lady Bunny. "How are you going to impersonate Rihanna? What is her personality? You don't know, because she's just a product."

The point is a good one, and Tyra Banks is as close to a personality perfectly made for drag queens as you can get these days. RuPaul is basically doing Tyra in drag and it's a match made in heaven. Comparisons have already been made and Drag Race just really steps it up a notch. But back to the wonder of the show. It's basically an ANTM contest to find America's next top drag queen with its first contest being a Proj Run-esque 'make your own costume from pieces of crap from the dollar store,' with the added bonus of Santino being a regular judge.

There are a lot of great queens (with wonderful names like Rebecca Glasscock and Ongina) in the running but I was disappointed that they got rid of Victoria Parker right at the get go. She is classic drag (but I guess she just didn't lip-sync for her life hard enough) and just seemed like the sweetest person ever.

Apparently the judges and I don't agree on anything because they let creepy creepy creeepy Tammie Brown stay

And gave the top prize to Nina Flowers. I give Nina props for the outlandishness but the beauty and wonder of drag (at least for me) is the complete gender-bending aspect. I love how they can refer to each other in any pronoun: he, she, ladies, queens, regardless of what they're wearing. Androgynous is one thing but Nina's outfit looks like a character from The Dark Crystal or Labyrinth. There's not a hint of woman or man in there, it's just a costume. I was rooting for you Victoria!

One final thing we noticed was the interesting job the censor must have. Santino described one of the ladies' outfits as "You look like you're about to give a $20 handjob." Of course on TV he said "You look like you're about to give a $20 handbleep." This prompted a discussion about how confused the censor must be. Do you bleep out the hand or the job? Neither is censor-worthy, but together? Well there's a conundrum. And I wonder if they considered Rebecca Glasscock. Did they decide it was just too hard to keep up with always introducing her as Rebecca Glassbeep? Or is Glasscock ok because uh, cocks aren't normally glass? Aaaaand these are the important issues I think about. I'm glad RuPaul is back. We could all use some drag in our lives.

Gratuitous Hair Accessories

I was jamming to Whitney Houston's "How Will I Know" on the Youtubes recently and the video totally reminded me of this
















It's like Aretha took Whitney's silver bow idea and brought it into the 21st century of fiercosity with a mega touch of Swarovski diamonds.














I know the election is so old news by now, but I just thought I'd throw that comparison out there. Also I want an excuse to post that awesome picture of Aretha and give a shout out to Whitney Houston. I don't listen to too much R&B but there's some that I love (See: Keyes, Alicia and Blige, Mary J.) and Whit is on that short list. Anyone else totally love "I Have Nothing"? It's one of my favs. It's a great song to karaoke for its performance value but not so good for people who can't sing well. (See: Agrado).

The Highlight of My Day

Besides the bacon/spinach/tomato pizza I had for lunch, was Sarah Haskins' Target Women: Super Special. It aired during the Puppy Bowl, so I understand if you missed it. It's a roundup of her previous episodes, but even if you've seen them all, you'll lolz all over again. And if you've never seen a Target: Women episode, do yourself a huge favor and check it out.



"So as a woman, you have some responsibilities you have to take care of everyday. I'm talking about your body. Your body is your responsibility. Unless the government decides it's their responsibility, in which case your off the hook!"

It's Such a Good Feeling

There's this neat blog out there all about daily routines. It's really fascinating, collecting stories about lots of different people, mostly writers and artsy types. Recently they had a post about Fred Rogers and this part really struck me:

"The first time I met Mister Rogers, he told me a story of how deeply his simple gestures had been felt, and received. He had just come back from visiting Koko, the gorilla who has learned--or who has been taught--American Sign Language. Koko watches television. Koko watches Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, and when Mister Rogers, in his sweater and sneakers, entered the place where she lives, Koko immediately folded him in her long, black arms, as though he were a child, and then... "She took my shoes off, Tom," Mister Rogers said."

When you picture that, do you kind of want to die of literal cute overload? Who can forget Koko and her kitten. And coupled with Mr. Rogers, who was such a deeply powerful wonderful force on our collective unconscious, and was so accessible that even a gorilla recognized his simple act of taking off his shoes and changing into his cardigan sweater. I mean, everything about him is delightfully memorable. I still remember the episode where he went to the crayon factory, and how he used to always feed his fish.

I hope y'all had a great weekend. I saw "Tell No One" on Friday, checked out my bestie's new house yesterday (which I may be moving into), and watched a couple episodes of The Wire Season 5. Can you believe it's already February?! The Mr. Rogers Koko episode was all about kids dealing with new situations or meeting new and different people. Here's to a month of new adventures (hopefully involving monkeys).